Announcement...

We have a BIG Announcement over here at Barren Made Beautiful!

Ms. Eliana will be a big sis!!!

I thought it'd be appropriate to announce our starting the adoption process on her second birthday!

Eliana told me "Baby Grow in my Belly" 

Since we all know that won't be happening for a long while, 

we are praying fervently for Dean Baby #2's Birth mama. 

More Details to come this week...

This is the website to follow us along on our journey.

Be prepared for an adventure... 

Through  my writing you'll catch a glimpse of my soul,

and you will be able to hear the heart of a mama who has trudged through the muddy waters of infertility

into the beautiful world of Adoption. 

We are overjoyed and excited to meet Dean Baby #2! 

Verses of Hope. 3/4/11

"No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame." Psalm 25:3

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love." Psalm 33:18

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

"The Lord delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:11

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord,
'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what
he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have,
we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Romans 12:12

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,
for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of
what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Follow Your Dreams (Cancelled) 2/27/11

Banksy in Boston: Follow Your Dreams (Cancelled)

I was perusing Facebook the other day, and I stumbled upon this artwork.
It struck a bit too close to home.
Follow Your Dreams...with a big old cancelled sign plastered across.

We dream from the time we are little.
When I was little, I dreamt of being a wife.
When reality hits, I am a pretty mediocre wife.
Self-centered at best.
When I was little, I dreamt of being a teacher.
When reality hits, teaching is challenging.
You give your life for a group of kids with little return.

When I was little, I dreamt of having a beautiful home, decorated to a tee.
When reality hits, everything costs money, and we don't have much.
When I was little, I dreamt of being a mother...
This is the one that hurts the most.
When reality hits, I am infertile.
I can't have children.

Sometimes reality bites.
Sometimes it feels as if all hell is against me seeing my dreams fulfilled.
The enemy comes full throttle, head on, full frontal attack.
Against what?
My dreams.

Satan desires to single hand idly kill my dreams.
You see there is a reason God gives children the ability to dream untamed.
When I was little, nothing could stop me from seeing my dreams made true.
I was certain my dreams would come to fruition,
no matter the enormity...
I would see it happen.

When I was little,
I wanted to grow up to be a cartoon.
No joke.
A cartoon.
I always though cartoons looked so cuddly and sweet,
and well, I wanted to be one.
Why not?
I believed with all my heart that one day.
I would be a little Wilma Flinstone
with Pebbles and Bam Bam babies following close behind.
Ridiculous.
I know,
but I dreamt without reserve.
Some might call this naivety.

I call it a gift.
God innately puts the ability to dream big in the hearts of his children.
God's dream for my life is limitless.
He sees the big picture.
I do not.

When I look at my life, I see my circumstances.
I see a woman...
Going on 5 years of waiting to become a mother.
realizing she has a lot to learn.
often times working hard to get a step ahead...just to be brought two steps back.

This week Brian had an emergency appendectomy.
So...you know that adoption fund we've been working so hard to build up.
Well, we can say goodbye to a big chunk of that.
two steps back.

"Reality" is a constant enemy to my dreams.
I look around me.
Look at my circumstances, and it all seems so far off.
BUT.

God's word says,
"walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
I'm thinking I need to close my eyes more often.
Tell the waves around me to shut it.
Keep one foot in front of another.

Walking by faith, not by sight.

WHEN I walk through the fires, He will be there waiting for me.
I will not be burned
I will not be set ablaze.
When I pass through the waters,
He will be with me.
When I pass through the rivers of life,
I will not be swept away.
Isaiah 43:2

Life has been a bit tumultuous lately.

I have been fragile.
Struggling to believe the best.
Wanting to give up on dreaming.

Although my dreams may seem far off,
I have to buckle down.
Close my eyes.
Dream like a child
and continue on.

To Be Seen. 5/19/10

^{Last Saturday, my husband and I decided to go take a walk on the beach.
Spend some time connecting...
We threw some slippers on and headed out the door. 
We got about half a mile from our house, 
when Brian said, "I just saw a baby bird in the middle of the road."
Me, being the observant wife I am, said,
"I just saw some rocks in the middle of the road...are you sure?"
After going not more than...well I would give you a measurement,
but honestly, I have no concept of space.}

^{So....After going a short distance, we decided to turn back and investigate.}

<sup>Sure enough, there she was. Truth is that I have no idea if it was a he or she, but we always referred to it as a she...
Tucked up in a little poof ball.
Smack in the middle of the street.
There was a mama bird and another baby bird right next to her.
They had been hit by cars.

Now, let me preface all of this by saying...In general, I am not a big fan of birds.
They freak me out.
They make me have nightmares but this bird.
There was something different about this little puff ball.
We knew if we just left her...
She was bound to be hit by a car...she was not about to move.

We snatched her up.
She sat in the front seat with me...
I had her in a cloth, and she climbed out and perched herself on my hand.
She just wanted to be held.</sup>

Brian is a softy when it comes to stuff like this.
God really has done a miracle in his heart.
He has developed a father's heart.
Although he is not yet a father physically speaking, he is.
I have never seen any other man quite like Brian and his father's heart.
There is just something different about him...something that seeps out of him.
The look in his eyes when that part of his heart is fired up.

Nonetheless, we took the bird in and proceeded to care for it
until we got a hold of the wildlife rescue.

Brian even went worm hunting and attempted to feed the bird...
By this time, the bird acquired a name...
Her name became "Pip."
Pip did not want to eat....
she wanted to sleep.
She'd puff up, close her eyes, and protest taking any food.
Everything we read told us not to hold the bird,
BUT
this bird refused not to be held.
We'd take her out of the cage with a towel, and she'd fly off the towel onto our hands.
She wanted us to hold her.
On Sunday, the wildlife rescue called us back.
By this time, we had found that she could now fly quite well.
Since she could fly, they advised us to take her to the area we found her and let her go.

Above is a picture of her on the branch, I placed her on.
She had already flown back to me once, but this time she was ready to go.

God has been speaking to my heart through our "Pip."
I believe this little poof ball was directly from the Lord to speak to our little family.

Have you ever felt unseen?
I believe every person (especially women) have a deep need and desire to be SEEN.

It is a multi-faceted desire. It is the desire for someone to see you literally...
like the "Hello, I am here....(wave, wave, wave) right in front of you! See me!"
kind of see.
There is a desire for a woman's beauty to be seen.
This is a very intimate desire, and it is often the one that causes women to hide.
It is a desire that causes deep wounds when searched out to be fulfilled in the wrong places.

There is a desire to be seen and known.
Has anyone ever looked at you...like realllllly looked at you,
and seen you...
seen your heart.
known your heart....really known you.
This desire often leaves a woman feeling lonely...
Again, she often looks in all the wrong places to fill that void.

As I have been thinking about our little Pip...
I have realized that I am SEEN by God.
He has seen me.
He knows me.
He looks at me in that way that pierces my heart.

When we were driving along that Saturday afternoon,
Brian saw this little tiny bird...
Puffed up.
Hiding.
Scared.
The bird literally looked like a stone in the road,
yet
Brian saw her.
He saw her and had to stop.

Sometimes I feel like that little bird.
Stuck in the middle of the road.
Cars zooming over me, nearly missing me.
Scared.
Alone.
Feeling Unseen...
Unknown...
Overlooked...

Hiding...
We all hide in different ways...
In so many ways being afraid to REALLY be seen.
We hide behind the image we create for ourselves.
We hide behind what people think about us.
We hide by controlling our lives.
We hide behind anything that gives us some sense of security...
It's false security.

God calls him self...El Roi...The God who Sees
This name was first used in Genesis 16, when Hagar is running.
She had just been rejected by Sarah and was running from her circumstances.
I am sure she felt very alone.
Very confused by her circumstances...

But God looked for her and found her...
He found her in the wilderness.
He identifies himself here as El Roi...
The God who sees us.

The God who sees us and wants us.
He goes out of his way...
Just as we went out of our way
to make sure we are cared for.
Provided for...

He sees me.
He knows all of my hurt.

My circumstances have blinded me for so long from this truth.
They have left me saying,
"Where are you God? Why can't you see me? Why have we been overlooked?"

The reality is that he does see me.
He sees me when no one else can find me.
He finds me when I can't quite find myself
and then gently helps me to find myself again.

If this bird was seen by us...was cared for enough to be taken in and nurtured by us...
How much more does My God care for me?
How much more will he provide every good thing for me?

He has not forgotten us.
We are not abandoned.
We are seen and known by the Living God.

⁶Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies^a]"&gt;[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. ⁷Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Luke 12:5-7

Right now, I am inviting the Lord to SEE me...
to really SEE me.
I don't want to hide behind my false securities.
They leave me empty and lonely.
I am convinced that when I grab a hold of this truth.
I will be forever changed because...

When you know you are seen by the God of the universe,
nothing else matters.
We have no reason to fret.
No reason to be insecure.
He sees me.
He knows my every need.
I can rest in this.

Waiting With Expectancy. 1/28/10

2010...my year to wait upon the Lord ALWAYS expecting...
Expecting him to show up.

You see I have lived most of my life without this expectancy.
I have lived always expecting the worst and being pleasantly surprised at the best.

This has been not a choice out of humbleness or anything other than:
FEAR
You see Fear is my biggest opponent right now.
Fear seems to lurk at the doorstep of my heart daily...
Knocking, waiting for me to agree with it.
Convincing me that expecting the worst is the smartest way to live.

"Why expect God's best when he may not come through?" Fear exclaims.
"Expect the worst....it's the only way to protect yourself.
You don't want to hurt like you've been hurt before...do you?"

This way of thinking has been my defense mechanism.
A way to protect myself from the pain...
the hurt that comes when you expect the best and well,
the best isn't what you get (Seemingly).

The first thing that our adoption coordinator said when we sat down with us was...
"You must believe that this (adoption) is God's BEST for you. Adoption is not second best. It is not the runner up choice...it is God's very best for you and Brian."
Obviously, this was a divinely spoken word to start out our conversations.

Seeing our story.
I have not always believed that God has had his best for us.
In fact, I have come to believe that God chose us for second best.

Contrary to my beliefs, the truth is that this IS God's best for our lives.
I can expect God to show up in our story with the VERY BEST!
I am slowly, beginning...fighting to really believe this.
I am daily choosing to believe that God is here...
in this.
He has his best for us. For our family.

2010...I can believe for God's best for us.

You see I LOVE to give gifts.
No joke.
When I say LOVE. I mean LOVE.
Just ask some of those that really know me.

Wherever I go, I am looking for gifts for my family and friends.
Not like the kind of gift where you realize that some one's Birthday is coming up,
and you feel obligated to get a gift kind of gift.
BUT...I naturally am always looking for the "just because" gifts.
Nothing brings me greater joy than finding and giving the perfect gift.

As I have made the decision to ALWAYS expect God to show up,
I have realized that this is God's heart for me.
Really...He is always doing the same thing.
Looking for opportunities to give me the PERFECT gift.

I won't give a gift unless it is the BEST.
I will wait until I find the BEST.
I am coming to find that God is similar in this.
He sometimes waits, so he can give me the VERY best.

You see...living in a place where you always expect the best.
Always expecting God to show up.
It changes everything.
If God really is who he says is
and if God really can do what he says he can do,
When he shows up,
EVERYTHING changes...EVERYTHING.

So pretty much. Fear will just have to take a back seat.
I am waiting with expectancy.
Waiting for the BEST!

What's a word you are believing for your life this year?Love,

Me.

The Scoop on Our Adoption 1/20/10

As most of you know, we have decided to adopt.
All in all it was our decision, but largely in part it was chosen for us...
Given to us
as a gift from the Lord.

There were many years prior to marriage,
where Brian and I would talk and dream of adopting.
When it came down to it,
I was afraid.

Anytime, anyone would mention adoption,
while we were still trying to have our own,
I would quickly shut down.

The Lord has opened my heart
wide open to it again.
And now we wait...
wait in eager expectation to see what God is going to do.

I just recently read a book given to me by my pastor
called First Love by Ann Kiemel Anderson
It was incredible.
For the first time,
I was able to relate with someone's family journey.

She wrote: "for years I thought I would NEVER be a mother. that the road would NEVER turn a corner. yes. my childhood dream of motherhood had to die before God could resurrect it in a far more powerful way than I ever imagined."

How true this statement is.
God is resurrecting this dream in our lives
that it far more powerful than we've ever imagined it to be.

Soooo...
Let me answer some of the questions you might be asking:1. Who are you adopting through?
We are adopting through the House of Ruth.
I hyper-linked to their website, but I will try to summarize them for you. House of Ruth is a ministry. It is not an adoption agency. What is the difference? Well, there are a number of differences. House of Ruth facilitates adoptions that are primarily focused on the birth-mother. Their ministry is to woman who have found themselves in a crisis pregnancy and are faced with some big decisions. An adoption agency, primarily is focused on matching a family to a baby. Whereas, House of Ruth, is more focused on:

1) Preventing Abortion: Helping the women to see and understand the life that is in them.
2) Exploring all of the options for these women: Their goal is always to keep the baby and mother together, whether it be by providing resources directly or finding family that is willing and able to help.
3) Having families ready to adopt, when all of the options have been explored, and the mother simply cannot keep her child. This decision is always made out of a very humble place, knowing she cannot provide the type of home, family, life that she would like to.


House of Ruth facilitates round about 50 to 60 adoptions a year.2) Will your adoption be open? What does open mean? 
Yes...we will have an open adoption, which means we will maintain and open relationship with the birth-mother throughout our child's life. The level of openness is largely in part determined by us....what we are comfortable with. Could be pictures once a year...could be a visit once a year...it all depends and unfolds as we go along.3) What does the process look like?
Well, in order to answer this question, I will preface it by saying that each organization has a different procedure that they follow.
Let me break this down into what we have completed thus far and what we yet need to complete.Completed
-initial application
- orientation meeting
-Filing Paperwork: Birth-mother letter, Detailed info on us, photo collage, two letters of recommendation, pastoral recommendation.
-Interview to be approved and placed in the system.Needs to be Completed-Preliminary Home Study: the state of California requires a state licensed social worker to perform a "home study." They will come and interview us...look at our home...Pretty much they are trying to make sure that there will be no more children placed in the "system" as a result of this adoption.
-Placement: A birth-mother picks us using our "birth-mother letter" and references...we meet with her, pray, and decide if it's a good fit.
If it is a good match (on average this is 2 month-ish before the baby is born...can be the day of :)...We pick of the baby the day he/she is born
-Adoption lawyer is contacted and legal paperwork is prepared.
-Post-placement Home Study: Social Worker revisits us with the baby in the home.
-Adoption is completed via the adoption lawyer.


So....That's the Scoop.
Ultimately, right now we are waiting...waiting to be chosen by a birth-mother.

What questions do you have about adoption...About what we are doing?
I know I have missed a lot, as there is a lot to what we are doing, but your questions will help me:)

Cold Turkey. 1/9/10

Sooooo.... 
As you obviously can see, writing has not been easy for me as of late. 
I haven't blogged for 3 months now. 
In some ways, I have stopped writing in order to compartmentalize...
break life down a bit, so I can get back to the basics. 
In other ways, I have not written in order to not think.
Shut down a bit.

Since finding out the news from the doctor and starting our new adventure, 
I have been much more wary to put my thoughts, words, heart...on paper. 
It is very vulnerable for me. 
A peek into my heart, soul, the depths of me. 
In order to protect my heart, which had been deeply wounded, 
I just quit cold turkey.

Cold Turkey is highly over-rated! 
It worked for that season, but I am in a new season now. 
It is time to write again.
Hope again...
Share my heart, life again...
Believe the best for my life again...

Carried to the Table. 7/27/09

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me
By: Leeland
Sooo....
I have been on a writing strike of sorts.
In some ways, it has been voluntary, but mostly, I have had a difficult time recently pinning down my heart and being able to express myself in words.

Let me rewind back to when I first found out medically speaking that I cannot have my own children.
My strike started then...a lot of confusion
and deeper heartache that I've ever experienced
entered in.
It has almost been as if there is a deep part of my heart that has been wounded...
unable to be accessed by anyone.
I have gone through a season of deep sadness.
I feel a lot, but I have been unable to identify what those feelings mean...
what part of my heart they are rising up from.

A couple of weeks ago, the Lord began to gently open up this part of my heart and expose it.
I was at a class at church, and we were spending some time waiting for the Lord.
As we were waiting, I felt the word "disqualified" echoing over and over in my head.
I was honestly kind of annoyed because I was looking for some profound knock my socks off kind of experience, yet I just kept hearing "disqualified."

That time ended, and they began praying for healing
and sharing words the Lord was speaking.
Someone approached me and began praying for me.
I still wasn't feeling much...kind of numb...frustrated.

A friend of mine went to the microphone.
I heard her speaking, but I was unsure of what she was saying.
Nonetheless, she came immediately to me after and spoke the word directly to me.
She had a vision of a skinny cow watching a banqueting table, while people feasted, feeling unqualified...in a famine....unable to partake in the feast before it.
As she spoke these words, I felt a breaking...a part of my heart that was wounded...shut up and unidentified was exposed.
This was it...this is what I had been searching for...
the words for what was going on in my heart.

I have felt disqualified.
Unworthy.
Unable to partake of the Lord's promised blessing.
I have felt that I have been chosen to sit and watch, never able to quite reach and absorb of all the Lord has said he has for me.
It felt as if the Lord has chosen me for his second best.
Plan B
Feeling he has chosen me to just plain suffer in life, to never quite make it.

I would like to say that I have overcome.
I would like to say that I miraculously believe that God does have his best for me.
I would like to say that this portion of my heart has been healed, restored, mended.
I would like to...

But...I am not sure that I am quite there.
I know what God's word says.
I believe it to be true.
My heart still hurts, aches, doesn't understand my circumstances.

I am asking the Lord to carry me to the table right now.
It is the table of the Lord.
A table, where I don't belong...
Neither does anyone else.
Yet...God has chosen us to come...to eat with him, dine at his table.
I am begging the Lord to carry me here.
I want to be swept away by his love.
I know that, when I am at his table, I belong.
All shame...drifts away.
My circumstances have left me broken...feeling alone and confused, but
I am being carried to the table by the Lord himself.
I am being beckoned into the throne room of my God.
My circumstances may not change, but I want to be seated at the table of the Lord.
When I am seated at His table, circumstances have no power over me.
I am simply consumed by my father's love.

Faces. 6/16/09

I have been thinking about faces lately...
Thinking about the unfathomable creativity of God.
It's mind blowing to think that he never runs out of ideas...
Everyone is different. 
There is no one in the world that is like me...

There is no one in the world who will ever be like my children.
As we move forward towards adoption, I have been thinking about my children's faces.
What will they look like?

Really...
The sky is the limit.
At least when you have biological children,
you have some guesses of whose traits they will inherit.
Me...Well, we have no idea.

So...I am praying fun things for my children.
Just because they may not come from our bodies
does not mean that they cannot look like us...Right?
God is their creator.
My kids could have blond hair...
SURE!
Green Eyes with long eyelashes
Why Not?!
Tall Skinny build
You betcha!
Big Lips...
Check!

It has been neat to really look at people...
Look into their faces.
See a piece of my children in each of them.
See a piece of God in each of them.

One prayer on the top of the list... Our children must be able to make funny faces.
It's a Dean Requirement.
I mean...Just look at us.
Oh Dear.
Those are some faces.

Brought to My Knees. 6/10/09

The strength of a woman...
I have always thought of myself as a pretty strong woman...what do they call it?
Oh Yes! Someone who can roll with the punches.
No matter how hard things get I will remain standing.
No Matter how much crud is thrown in my face I will wipe it off and continue moving forward.

The Lord has been gently speaking to me about this area of my life.
You see...like I said in my earlier post...I want to be seen as a woman of great strength.
Yet, the strength I often stand is my own.
I bare down, grit my teeth and barrel forward.
I think a part of it has to do with my choleric temperament :p

The Lord has been showing me that this is not strength...
In fact, it is my weakest area.
Trying to move forward in my own strength...
Trying to show that I can handle it.
Have a stiff upper lip (Isn't that another of the sayings?)

The truth is that I may look like it on the outside.
I may look like I have it all together.
I may be the poster child for enduring difficult circumstances,
BUT I do it proudly...
with a proud heart.

The Lord is humbling me.
Not forcing me to my knees.
But through my circumstances...
Beckoning me.
Gently guiding me to a very humble place.

You see that the Lord exalts the humble.
The person that realizes that they can do nothing apart from God.
God made me very capable...
able to endure a lot on my own,
but he allows these circumstances so I might surrender...
realize I cannot do this on my own.
This is a weight, a burden I was never meant to carry.
These circumstances have literally brought me to my knees.

Not because I have to,
but because I am willing to bow down.
Let the Lord be my strength.
I am surrendering the control.
Surrendering the need to see the end result.
Surrendering the heavy responsibility.
Surrendering the financial burden.
Instead I am allowing the Lord to gently bring me to my knees
and take it all.

A God Sized Dream. 5/30/09

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church (me) and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)

In the past, I have always prided myself on being a realist. I would always look at life...situations exactly as they were...nothing more and nothing less. I never dreamed for more or imagined my life to be more than what was right there in front of me. Life was what it was: Work (a lot), school , maintain a dating relationship...people failed me. I failed. My brother died. Just the way it was. I was who I was, and I accepted me...with all of my confusion with open arms as unchangeable.
Dreaming was for people who had their head in the clouds... who didn't live in the now...

The Lord has been taking me on a journey. As I have been on this journey, I have realized that my "realism" was more of a cop-out...a defense mechanism to protect me from the things life throws at you. I had decided that you might as well expect the worst...Then, if things worked out, I would be pleasantly surprised, but when things didn't work out, God didn't come through. I wouldn't be disappointed. It was a way to protect my heart but an awful way to live...always living with an impending doom.

Well, this journey has taken me many places. I have found many roots to this deep issue of my heart. The deepest being fear. What if God doesn't come through? What if I get my hope up, and it all falls apart? Events of my past kept me from moving forward in hope: Praying desperately for my brother's life to be spared only to find out he was already gone, etc.

Nonetheless, somewhere along the lines...I chose to stop dreaming for my future...dreaming of the amazing things God had for me. I lived in fear.

This journey came to a head a couple of years ago, as I attended an encounter weekend at my church. The Lord gently showed me this issue in my life and uprooted it. For the first time since being a child, I had a hope. It was as if a veil had been lifted...I was seeing my circumstances, my life in a whole new light. I was able to dream again.

As I approached infertility and eventually this past week of bad news, this ordinarily would have been a confirmation of my way of thinking..."See...things never work out for you. Bad things will follow you wherever you go." If I hadn't been set free two years ago, I am not sure where I would be...what I would be thinking now.

Life has not turned out how I had expected it to. My dreams have not panned out as I had expected. One of my earliest dreams was to be a mom. I think I dreamed of being a mom before I dreamed of anything else. As we have had bad news after bad news, I feel like I have put my dreaming on pause. I used to go to thrift stores...buy clothes here and there for my babies...dream of what they will look like...what their names will be. Somewhere in all of this I pushed the pause button on my dreams.

It just hurt to much to dream. By dreaming, I was putting so much on the line. You see...it is a huge risk to dream. You are risking disappointment...heartache.

I am feeling a tug on my heart to dream again...not just dream...but dream God-sized dreams. You see when you place you hope in God...you will not be disappointed. I believe this with all of my heart (Romans 5:5). God wants to partner with me in my dreaming. My dreams may no longer look like the dreams of my childhood, but right now, before me...I have an opportunity to Dream...dream Big.

I am dreaming about my children. You see...God is designing my children right now for Brian and me. He knows Brian and I will have the honor of raising them. I am praying bold prayers that my children will be priestly....set apart for a holy purpose...used in magnificent ways.
I am dreaming that my children will look like us...why not? God is their designer...it doesn't matter whose body they come from.
I am dreaming for a new car...one that preferably can fit our children :)
I am dreaming for a marriage that is daily growing towards Jesus (that dream is already coming true).
I am dreaming of how God is going to make it possible for us to adopt, financially.

I am dreaming for a miracle...a God sized dream. You see...a dream isn't a God sized dream unless it is physically impossible for us to achieve on our own.
A miracle must involve an act of God.

Bring on the Miracles!

As I was praying the other day, the Lord showed me a vivid picture of a lion...of me being that lion.

"³⁵So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 
³⁶You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God,
you will receive what he has promised.
³⁷For in just a very little while, 

He who is coming will come and will not delay. 
³⁸But my righteous one will live by faith. 
And if he shrinks back, 
I will not be pleased with him."³⁹But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed,
but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35-39.

I have never seen a lion shrink back from their enemy. They stand strong, bold, courageous in the face of a challenge, and they do not back down.

I will not back down. I will not shrink back. I will live by Faith.

It is time to dream again...dream alongside God...a God-Sized Dream.

Hope 5/23/09

I've been tagged again by Jessica. This time I need to declare the word over my life... 

When God looks at me, what is it that he sings over me. 

As I was praying about this and asking the Lord, I was walking around my house, and it became very apparent what my word is. 

I have the word hope spackled throughout my home.

 It is a word that I am determined to live out. 

I am a woman who hopes...

hopes when things are going well...

hopes when things look hopeless. I don't just hope in anything...

I put my hope IN GOD ALONE. 

My hope is not in doctors, not in medicine, not in anyone else, not in good luck...

In God's word alone. He is the only answer.

Part of the tagging was that I was supposed to post a picture of myself declaring God's Banner over me...

His word over me. 

I was looking through pictures and realized that I have no pictures of just me...

Well, the truth is that I have a couple, but when I am in a picture alone, I typically act like a dork. 

I am making weird faces in every single one of them :p 

So... I hired my best Friend Jessica to come take pictures of me, since she was the one that tagged me. She did an amazing job!

Reasons to Rejoice. 5/18/09

We are officially wacky! God knew what he was doing when he put us together :p

Some squishy faces for your viewing pleasure...

Two of my most favorite people...can you tell why?

We have many reasons to rejoice!

Reason #1

God is good...no matter the circumstances...no matter how huge the waves are around me. I can rest knowing that God is Good, and he is in control.

Reason #2

God put an extra $3000 in our bank account this week. Yes... I know it wasn't God who did it, but I am not sure who did...Sooooo....I am just saying that God plopped it in my account. He doesn't need my account number. Right? I have been praying a crazy prayer for $100, 000, so I think this is a great start : )

Reason #3

Brian's MRI turned out normal! Brian went in for a MRI this week... He has been having headaches for 2 years now, and with us switching insurance, it became time to suck it up and carry through with MRI in order to make sure it wasn't something serious. They just said that he has an abnormally large brain...Just Kidding! He is so stinkin' smart, so this is what I imagined them saying :p

Reason #4

I went in to pay off our infertility doctor, since we will no longer be needing his services. As I was driving to the doctors to pay the bill, I was praying and asking the Lord to lower our bill to $1000. When I arrived, she calculated my bill... It was only $780! I was stoked beyond belief.

After I wrote the check, the doctor stepped out and talked to me a bit. We ended our last conversation quite abruptly with awkward news, so he wanted to make sure I didn't have any questions, which of course I did! I asked my doctor, "Will I need to see you from now on to deal with my premature menopause or my O.B.gyn?" His response was amazing... He asked who my doctor was...I told him, and he says, "It just so happens that I am meeting with your doctor this week to discuss prematurely menopausal women and Hormone replacement Therapy. He will be thoroughly informed and able to treat you (which is covered under insurance!)" Coincidence...I think not.

Then, he told me that I won't have to take shots the rest of my life for hormone replacement therapy! He is recommending to my OB...a patch and cream that is natural...Hip Hip Hooray for no needles! I was not looking forward to that. Also, I will not need to go in until I have stopped my cycle for a total of 6 mos. in a row. This could take yrs to happen... Until then, my body is still producing enough estrogen. Hip Hip Hooray #2!

Ok...So it doesn't stop here. After this, I say my good byes to the doctor and go to get my receipt. She types in the computer and says..."Oh, look at this. The Doc. just went back and changed your bill...You now owe $480." My jaw is now on the floor, as I stand in awe of the goodness of God. Right before my eyes...our bill shrunk $300. Praise the Lord!

Reason #5...

I have fun pictures as a reward for reading my incredibly long post!

We got to hang out with the lil' Linns this week and the big Linns too. We had a great time at the beach on Sat. and a great time with the lil' ones this Sun.

I adore these kids...

We have a picture of their daddy doing this exact thing in our wedding album! Sorry for D's comb over...he has a gallon of sunscreen on and was playing with the brush...
hee hee

Lil' Climber!

Look who's holding a chicken...I love the concentration face.

We are buddies
Rejoice with us in the Lord! He is Good! I cannot wait to see what miracles lie ahead...

The Post I Never Wanted to Write. 5/13/09

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those that trust in him."
Nahum 1:7

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

"For Nothing is Impossible with God."
Luke 1:37

This is the entry that I never wanted to find myself writing.

I have avoided writing it for a couple days, while I let it all sink in .

Two days ago, I received a phone call from the doctor. A phone that I would never wish anyone to receive.

Let me back up a bit...I went in a week and a half ago to get a test that would determine my egg health. It is the most accurate test they have out there now. They draw my blood and look at a variety of different variables: age, hormones, etc., and they compare my number to other people who have tried to harvest eggs for IVF. After, they give you a score from 1-20...1 being impossible and 20 being the bright green light.

Ok...back to Monday at school. I saw my phone, as I was teaching, light up...I quickly glanced at the number and my heart immediately sank. I knew it was the doctor, and I knew he was going to tell me my results. He left a message, and after I had arranged with the office, I stepped out of my classroom to call the doctor. I locked myself in the resource room and could barely press the buttons I was shaking so bad. It was then that I realized I was going to find out in mere moments whether or not I could have babies.

Well, I eventually got the number dialed. I was shaking so bad I nearly dropped the phone. The doctor was put on the phone. He did not beat around the bush (which I appreciate), and he gave me the news.

He said, " What I suspected has been confirmed. You are in Premature Ovarian Failure (POV)...in evolution. I have your test results right here...explained the test once more...They give you a score...1 being impossible. 20 being green light. I am very sorry Mrs. Dean. You received a 1. You have 3 options now 1. Egg Donation (Brian and I have already decided against this) 2. Adoption 3. Childless. "

I wasn't even sure how to respond. I simply said thank you, choking back the tears, and goodbye.

Poor Guy...one thing I was thankful for in that moment was that I wasn't that doctor. What a difficult phone call to make... Nonetheless, I hung up the phone and fell to the ground weeping.

The irony of it all...me Jen Dean...the babysitter extraordinaire...ideal mommy to be....can't have her own children. The truth pierced my heart, and it shattered into a million pieces.

I immediately called Brian and told him the news. He was so gracious. He told me he loved me more in that moment than he had ever loved me. I am so thankful for him...thankful that he can't get pregnant without "medical" help either, and I am thankful that he is helping to hold me up during this difficult time.

As I sit here now, tears are dropping on my keyboard. I am feeling a gamma of emotions. I feel great sorrow for the fact that I will never be pregnant, never give birth, never breastfeed. I am feeling a peace that surpasses all understanding. Although, things seem to be spinning a million miles per hour out of control, I trust God. I trust the plans that he has for me and my family. I trust that they are the best. I trust that he will receive the glory in our story. I am hiding myself completely under the shelter of his wings and allowing him to be my strength, my shield, my comfort, and my hope in this time.

As the days pass, I am also beginning to feel bits of excitement. Excitement to see how our story ends. Indeed, we have finally gotten off one roller coaster, but now, we jump on an entirely new roller coaster. Each time we jump on a new roller coaster we are more and more like Jesus...refined by the fires of life and more able to enjoy the ride.

I accept my circumstances with great joy. I am willing to lay my dreams for my life...how I envisioned my life to happen...it is more painful than you can ever imagine, but it is worth it. I am willing to be put in the fire over and over again so God might be glorified through our story.

Are you ready to walk out this next leg of our journey with us? We need each of you with us.

"See I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction...I will not yield my glory to another."
Isaiah 48:10-11B

On Roller Coasters. 4/25/09

Roller Coasters used to scare the tar nation out of me. When we would go to amusement parks as kids, it was always a fight waiting to happen. My dad and brother LOVED them, and I did not even want to watch people ride them. There was always tears and much pressure to ride, but I would not get in that line. I remember being so terrified of them that my stomach literally hurt even thinking about riding them. Seriously...why would someone allow themselves to be strapped into a moving machine that was going to drop you and spin you upside down and all around...No thank you.

It took a long while before I would even try a roller coaster. I believe it was the beginning of high school, where I went on my first roller coaster. It was at the fair of all places, and I remember nearly barfing in line. I laughed, cried my entire way through the crazy ride. Note to self: Fair rides are not the best rides...in fact, they are a bit sketchy.

Anywho... I slowly started to warm up to roller coasters. I even began to enjoy them. Until just recently I wouldn't go on roller coasters that dropped me. I would much rather be turned upside down briefly than dropped. I do not enjoy being dropped, but I have slowly come to enjoy this as well.

Side Note: I realize that me not enjoying the dropping sensation is a total control issue. I do not like the feeling of being out of control, and this definitely gives it to me. At least when you go upside down, you are only discombobulated for a moment. End Side Note...

Well, Life has felt a lot like a roller coaster in this last season of my life. A roller coaster that has been thrusting me forward at an unheard speed...feeling very out of control. All the while, I hold on for dear life, screaming, "Please....for the Love of everything that is good and beautiful... let me off of this freakin' ride!" Yet, the ride has not stopped...In fact, it has become more intense. This week has been a week of drops...back to the drops. Remember what I said earlier? Yah...me and the drops. We are not BFFs (Best Friends...). Today, I found out that the health insurance referral did not go through. Yesterday, I was racking my brain trying to figure out what to do, if I have no job next year (if the school doesn't make it). If I have no job, I have to find a job, so we can live in the amazing house we live in. (Not even thinking about the thousands in medical bills and the tens of thousands we may have to put out to have a baby/adopt). We all know what the job market looks like about now! Wednesday, I found out 2 more people in my small group are preggo...making the grand total 5!

Side Note: I am super stoked about these pregnancies...just more reminders that I am not pregnant myself and may never be. End Side Note.

So yes.. this week = intense portion of the roller coaster for me. I have tried to close my eyes and pretend it's not all happening, but the drop comes. Reality hits. Feeling is inevitable, and I am left screaming again..." Can't I just get off!"

It's got me thinking though. Maybe this is how life is meant to be. When we sign up to follow Jesus, we sign up for a roller coaster. His word teaches that this is the best ride...beats the socks off of Six Flags or Knotts Berry Farm. Flashback to my early childhood...remember how I hated roller coasters. It took me time to enjoy them. I am realizing that this roller coaster that I am on of life is much like this. It's taking me a while to enjoy the ride.

I am realizing that is real life...joy, peace...is found when you learn to enjoy the ride. When I am able to relax enough...be ok enough with being out of control, I am even able to enjoy this dips. One of the blessings of dips is that there is always a hill after them. When you get to the top, the view is the best part of the ride.

I know there is a season for everything...I know that this too shall soon pass. God will show up. He will be glorified through my roller coaster ride of a life. In the meantime, I need to start enjoying the ride. Laugh at the dips, knowing that the lowest points are leading me up to my highest points... and the view from those high points...breath taking.

He Will Carry Me. 4/12/09

⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

-Isaiah 53:4-5

During a more difficult day in my journey, I was desperate for the presence of God in my life. 

I sat waiting, hungry to hear from Him. 

As I sat waiting patiently upon Him, I was reminded of this painting. It was vivid in my mind. 

It was so apparent that this was me, collapsed into the arms of Jesus. I felt completely broken, exhausted, heartbroken, and crushed from trying to have the faith that moves mountains and feeling defeated...

Now, as I contemplated this picture, I could see myself not just in this state of despair all alone, but collapsed in the arms on Jesus.

Also, the Lord led me immediately to this song.

It was a song I had not heard in a very long time, as it is pretty old school, but the power of this picture along side these words made me weep.

Lay Down Your Burdens By Amy Grant

CHORUS
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water ..
Calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm really watching
While you struggle on your way
Call on my name, Ill come

Repeat Chorus

I give vision to the blind
I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless night
And Count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

You see...

As you see in Isaiah 53, He went to the cross for this very reason, 

so when I feel all of these things that I can simply fall into his arms. 

I love the embrace of my savior. 

On this Easter, I remember that it was my sin that held Jesus on that cross. 

He willingly went to the cross, endured the punishment for my sin, all so that I might live. 

I need not live with a heavy burden. 

He took that up for me, so I can experience the abundant life! Praise the Lord!

A Lesson in Ovulation 4/10/09

One of the crazy things about infertility is that you get to know waaaaay too much about how your body functions. As you go to doctors, it becomes necessary to do some of your own research in order to understand what in tarnation they are talking about.

So....Here is your quick lesson on a woman's body. Did you know that there is only a 20% chance each month that a couple can get preggo doing the love dance regularly? Did you know that a woman ovulates once a month, and there is only a short 1-3 day time period when you can actually get pregnant? The average woman has a cycle that is 25-30 daysish... The cycle starts when your body produces a hormone that tells your body to shed the lining of the uterus, which starts your "period"...When you are pregnant, you don't produce this hormone. Anyway, you have your menstrual cycle, and 14 days before your new cycle begins, you produce hormones that tell your body to ovulate or drop an egg. All the while...other hormones are being released to tell your body to get the egg ready to be released.
Now that you have an egg being released. If you get the timing right, the swimmers meet an egg and one penetrates the egg creating an embryo. An average man has millions of swimmers...only a very small percentage of them actually make it to the egg.

This is the basic explanation...not scientific at all, but all to say that conception is an absolute miracle. When a couple our age has been trying to conceive for more than a year, they are considered to be struggling with infertility. There are many reasons that this could be happening, as there are many details and steps that go into actually seeing a baby conceived.

In our case, we have multiple issues. Brian has only 2% swimmers that can actually make babies. Normal is over 20%. In his case, the doctors have said that it would be impossible to get pregnant without In Vetro Fertilization (IVF). In my case, they are still trying to pin down exactly what is going on with me. They suspect Premature Menopause in evolution, which means my body is running out of eggs. I normally have very short cycles and weird things going on with my hormones. During their investigations so far, they have found that my left ovary is shriveled up and like a raisin and my right one is small but actually is ok (how ok...we don't know yet)...This is after they found out that I had cysts on them...I had to take birth control for 2 months to get them to disappear. They are gone now! Praise the Lord! All that to say...we are about a month away from taking a major test. I am waiting until next month to take it because of timing issues...it has to be taken on day three of my cycle. That's Sunday, and the lab is not open. Oh well, God's timing is perfect. This test is the most advanced test out there and will basically tell us whether they could get viable eggs (eggs that could make babies) from me, in order to do IVF. Fun Times!

The Good News: I had a perfect cycle this go around...28 days...that is the text book cycle! Praise the Lord! I am believing for my complete healing, and we are moving in that direction!

I am confident in God's sovereign hand in all of this. His timing is perfect. He knows the days that my children are to be born, and I will trust him as we wait patiently upon him. All Babies are a miracle, and my babies with be a SUPER Miracle! I just can't wait to meet their squishy faces!

Psalm 113:9 4/1/09

³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.
⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.
⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
⁶ who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
⁸ he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

⁹ He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

Thank you Jacki for sharing this with me...

In all of my times going through the Psalms, this particular Psalm did not hold the same meaning to me as it does now.

This is a promise I am going to Grab a hold of and run with...anyone want to run with me?

I will praise the Lord in this storm...he is good no matter how I feel...

his plans are the best for me, no matter how I may doubt....

his love for me never fails or shrinks, although I may struggle to feel it. 

God is still God and I will praise his name because He is worthy to be praised!

 He is faithful...we will see our Eliana Faith...she is in the works.

 I will be a happy mother abiding in my hope with children.

 Praise the Lord!

Another Day at the Doctor 3/31/09

One of the biggest challenges in infertility is the financial aspect. Most, meaning practically all, insurance does not cover fertility specialists. It is not seen as an immediate medical need. To make a long story short, I have an HMO. With an HMO, you have to get a referral by your Primary physician to do anything. The benefit of an HMO is more is covered...lower deductible. I called the insurance when we were thinking about going to a specialist, and I was told that we would not be covered. We understood at this point that we were going to be paying everything out of pocket (i.e. minimum of $300 a visit + the cost of any treatments, ultrasounds, etc...). IVF (which is where they are pointing us towards for any possibility of getting pregnant) in and of itself starting at $14,000. Seriously, I could by a car.
Anywho! We went to our first appointment in January to the fertility specialist. The people at the front desk were extremely helpful and let me know that there was a possibility I might get more covered under my insurance...all I would have to do is get a retroactive referral from my doctor. Sooooooo....this is what I have been attempting to do for the past three months. I have gone to my primary's office 4 or 5 times requesting that it be done, with no results.
Finally, I decided to be the most proactive that I could think of. I made an appointment and spoke to the doctor face to face.
Blessing: He is putting the referral and retroactive referral today. He was extremely sympathetic towards my situation and very willing to help. He will even be wording the referral very carefully, so I have a higher chance of their (insurance's) approval.
Prayer Request: Please Please Please pray that the retroactive referral goes through and does what it is supposed to do. The doctor seemed worried that this would 100% work. I am praying for a financial miracle here. The costs are extremely high, and we are simply not unlimited in our savings.

Honestly. 3/30/09

I have been thinking about this subject a lot lately. I am going through a period in my life, where I am searching desperately for the love of God and finding myself more an more lost. Honestly, all I want to do is to be deeply, madly in love with Jesus, but Honestly, I struggle to believe that he REALLY loves me. I can tell you all of the text book..."Right Answers." I know God is love...I know God loved me so much that he went to the cross...took all of the punishment of my sin upon himself, so I might live. I know all of the right answers, but Honestly, I am heart broken.

Let's rewind...I remember as a child and even adult that I have ALWAYS been picked out of a crowd. My deepest desire in all the world has always been to blend in, not stand out, but without fail, I have always popped out. In class, without fail, I was always the paper that was picked to read aloud...always picked to go first....I remember it was so extreme that in Junior High I tried to play dumb, so I could just fit in, blend in with the crowd. If there was a contest to be won, I would always win it...I once on a Garfield phone from a drawing, a Hostess Doll, a olive oil kit, won a drama contest and had to perform in front of way too many people....When there is a demonstration and someone gets picked out of the crowd. Guess who gets picked? You got it ME.

See this picture...I am not this sweet girl in the foreground...that is NOT me...I am the one hiding in the corner with my head down, hoping that I am not picked.

With that being said, I have always felt like I stand out like a sore thumb....like I just don't fit the mold. As we go through this journey of infertility, I have found myself once again feeling like the one whose been picked out of the crowd. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom...My sister and I played house ALL of the time. I always had a baby doll with me, and I have always been drawn to children and they to me.

In some ways, I feel like God has picked me out of the crowd...picked me out to have my dreams snatched away. Honestly, it hurts and makes it difficult to see God's love through the hazy mist of heartbreak. I know when people go through difficult times: Often, their first question is why me? I find myself asking that same question. Why me? Out of all of the billions of people on the earth...why must I be picked?

I feel kind of like a child whose dream is to play basketball...they are really good at it, and it seems that he could actually succeed at it. The parent decides that basketball is really not what is best for them, so they break his legs. I know this sounds ridiculous but bare with me. They break them to the point that it would take a miracle for him to ever be in the condition to play basketball again.

Honestly, why would I have this desire in my heart just to have it snatched away? It is difficult for me to understand a loving God that would pick me out of the crowd to suffer. Picked out to live out the impossible. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't picked out of the crowd for this journey. It is difficult for me to fully express all that I feel and am working through, but this is my attempt at it. Honestly, I struggle to know God's love for me. Sometimes I feel like if he really loved me...all the odds wouldn't be stacked up against us.

Honestly, I am just trying to be honest with myself. Sometimes I want to push down, tuck away and pretend that I do not feel this way, but I do. I am learning that there is freedom in me being completely honest with God...looking him right in the eyes and saying, "I don't understand your love for me...I struggle to believe that you do love me at all." He can take it, and he has enough grace to walk me through every step of this process.

I hope that this post isn't too negative or overly honest...I am using this blog as a way to express all that I am thinking and feeling. I know that feelings are deceiving, but they are real.
I refuse to hide.