Monday, August 12, 2013

Honestly. 3/30/09

I have been thinking about this subject a lot lately. I am going through a period in my life, where I am searching desperately for the love of God and finding myself more an more lost. Honestly, all I want to do is to be deeply, madly in love with Jesus, but Honestly, I struggle to believe that he REALLY loves me. I can tell you all of the text book..."Right Answers." I know God is love...I know God loved me so much that he went to the cross...took all of the punishment of my sin upon himself, so I might live. I know all of the right answers, but Honestly, I am heart broken.

Let's rewind...I remember as a child and even adult that I have ALWAYS been picked out of a crowd. My deepest desire in all the world has always been to blend in, not stand out, but without fail, I have always popped out. In class, without fail, I was always the paper that was picked to read aloud...always picked to go first....I remember it was so extreme that in Junior High I tried to play dumb, so I could just fit in, blend in with the crowd. If there was a contest to be won, I would always win it...I once on a Garfield phone from a drawing, a Hostess Doll, a olive oil kit, won a drama contest and had to perform in front of way too many people....When there is a demonstration and someone gets picked out of the crowd. Guess who gets picked? You got it ME.
See this picture...I am not this sweet girl in the foreground...that is NOT me...I am the one hiding in the corner with my head down, hoping that I am not picked.

With that being said, I have always felt like I stand out like a sore I just don't fit the mold. As we go through this journey of infertility, I have found myself once again feeling like the one whose been picked out of the crowd. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom...My sister and I played house ALL of the time. I always had a baby doll with me, and I have always been drawn to children and they to me.

In some ways, I feel like God has picked me out of the crowd...picked me out to have my dreams snatched away. Honestly, it hurts and makes it difficult to see God's love through the hazy mist of heartbreak. I know when people go through difficult times: Often, their first question is why me? I find myself asking that same question. Why me? Out of all of the billions of people on the earth...why must I be picked?

I feel kind of like a child whose dream is to play basketball...they are really good at it, and it seems that he could actually succeed at it. The parent decides that basketball is really not what is best for them, so they break his legs. I know this sounds ridiculous but bare with me. They break them to the point that it would take a miracle for him to ever be in the condition to play basketball again.

Honestly, why would I have this desire in my heart just to have it snatched away? It is difficult for me to understand a loving God that would pick me out of the crowd to suffer. Picked out to live out the impossible. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't picked out of the crowd for this journey. It is difficult for me to fully express all that I feel and am working through, but this is my attempt at it. Honestly, I struggle to know God's love for me. Sometimes I feel like if he really loved me...all the odds wouldn't be stacked up against us.

Honestly, I am just trying to be honest with myself. Sometimes I want to push down, tuck away and pretend that I do not feel this way, but I do. I am learning that there is freedom in me being completely honest with God...looking him right in the eyes and saying, "I don't understand your love for me...I struggle to believe that you do love me at all." He can take it, and he has enough grace to walk me through every step of this process.

I hope that this post isn't too negative or overly honest...I am using this blog as a way to express all that I am thinking and feeling. I know that feelings are deceiving, but they are real.
I refuse to hide.

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