Monday, August 12, 2013

The Post I Never Wanted to Write. 5/13/09

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those that trust in him."
Nahum 1:7

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

"For Nothing is Impossible with God."
Luke 1:37
This is the entry that I never wanted to find myself writing.

I have avoided writing it for a couple days, while I let it all sink in .

Two days ago, I received a phone call from the doctor. A phone that I would never wish anyone to receive.

Let me back up a bit...I went in a week and a half ago to get a test that would determine my egg health. It is the most accurate test they have out there now. They draw my blood and look at a variety of different variables: age, hormones, etc., and they compare my number to other people who have tried to harvest eggs for IVF. After, they give you a score from 1-20...1 being impossible and 20 being the bright green light.

Ok...back to Monday at school. I saw my phone, as I was teaching, light up...I quickly glanced at the number and my heart immediately sank. I knew it was the doctor, and I knew he was going to tell me my results. He left a message, and after I had arranged with the office, I stepped out of my classroom to call the doctor. I locked myself in the resource room and could barely press the buttons I was shaking so bad. It was then that I realized I was going to find out in mere moments whether or not I could have babies.

Well, I eventually got the number dialed. I was shaking so bad I nearly dropped the phone. The doctor was put on the phone. He did not beat around the bush (which I appreciate), and he gave me the news.

He said, " What I suspected has been confirmed. You are in Premature Ovarian Failure (POV) evolution. I have your test results right here...explained the test once more...They give you a score...1 being impossible. 20 being green light. I am very sorry Mrs. Dean. You received a 1. You have 3 options now 1. Egg Donation (Brian and I have already decided against this) 2. Adoption 3. Childless. "

I wasn't even sure how to respond. I simply said thank you, choking back the tears, and goodbye.

Poor thing I was thankful for in that moment was that I wasn't that doctor. What a difficult phone call to make... Nonetheless, I hung up the phone and fell to the ground weeping.

The irony of it Jen Dean...the babysitter extraordinaire...ideal mommy to be....can't have her own children. The truth pierced my heart, and it shattered into a million pieces.

I immediately called Brian and told him the news. He was so gracious. He told me he loved me more in that moment than he had ever loved me. I am so thankful for him...thankful that he can't get pregnant without "medical" help either, and I am thankful that he is helping to hold me up during this difficult time.

As I sit here now, tears are dropping on my keyboard. I am feeling a gamma of emotions. I feel great sorrow for the fact that I will never be pregnant, never give birth, never breastfeed. I am feeling a peace that surpasses all understanding. Although, things seem to be spinning a million miles per hour out of control, I trust God. I trust the plans that he has for me and my family. I trust that they are the best. I trust that he will receive the glory in our story. I am hiding myself completely under the shelter of his wings and allowing him to be my strength, my shield, my comfort, and my hope in this time.

As the days pass, I am also beginning to feel bits of excitement. Excitement to see how our story ends. Indeed, we have finally gotten off one roller coaster, but now, we jump on an entirely new roller coaster. Each time we jump on a new roller coaster we are more and more like Jesus...refined by the fires of life and more able to enjoy the ride.

I accept my circumstances with great joy. I am willing to lay my dreams for my I envisioned my life to is more painful than you can ever imagine, but it is worth it. I am willing to be put in the fire over and over again so God might be glorified through our story.

Are you ready to walk out this next leg of our journey with us? We need each of you with us.

"See I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction...I will not yield my glory to another."
Isaiah 48:10-11B

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